Tuesday, 25 October 2016

The Woolly Mammoth in the Room

Well, it looked like a normal holiday day with Jof ie not much. I did attack her a few times too often and she did battle endlessly with online webchat and call-centre people about such arcane devices as 'why are you charging me for a tablet I cancelled 3 years ago?', but other than that, all was quiet as a mouse. Unless it's one of those giant man-eating trumpet mice you get in the Horn of Africa.
southsea seafront crazy golf pitch and puttBut then Bud came home 2 hours early because his job finished today and we are now destitute and we have had to sell the family pewter and are packing up our troubles in my old swimming rucksack and heading west in a mule train. The going will be tough and there will be rattlesnakes but we have our god (which is me) so we'll eat those darned rattlesnakes and talk like the guy with the telescope in Blazing Saddles, goldurnit. He has survived 12 'Rounds of Redundancies' in the last 15 years but it seems 13th time unlucky.
But it was a sunny day and far too late we shipped out in the old jalopy to the seafront where Jof played me at Numbskull Golf while Bud went for a run. Crazy Golf is one thing, but as it's 3 days before the end of the season, the area was deserted and the Golf course had suffered a summer's worth of underinvestment, late-night drunken students nicking the model clowns and houses, and the attentions of non-toilet-trained seagulls. Thus it was downgraded to Numbskull Golf and we went from hole to hole wobbling the ramps, picking up the windmills and wondering what 13th wonder of the world should have been in the big empty patch in the middle of hole 7. On the way out, we asked the Chap-In-The-Booth and he said that his designer-built course was perfectly OK until it was made a free attraction during the recent Victorious Festival, with its transient tenty clientele with their snortable vodkas and cigarettes of forgetfulness. Later, I watched the Dambusters-based Carling Black Label Beer commercial (1990) on Youtube and dissed it totally, favouring Minecraft and Disney-Tarzan.

Monday, 24 October 2016

Chatting to Chaffinches

game of monopoly in progressHooray! The first day of half-term, or the first one where it's a Monday and you're not in school. It was always going to be a lazy day so Jof made us go to the park and get some fresh air. While we were there, we threw nuts to the squiggles and left tumble-dryer fluff and wool offcuts on the bushes for the birdies, to line their nests with. Now, some might say it's not nesting season so the nests will go unfluffed, but she says the birdies can make little fur coats and woolly fleeces instead. She really is very thoughtful about our feathered fiends, she saves bread crusts and bacon fat and says they can make their own bacon sandwiches. I think she's probably missed out on a successful career as a chaffinch whisperer or a sparrow crooner, maybe she's a great tit or a booby at heart.
Then we played Monopoly but when Bud got home from work I took it as a cue to leave and get back on the Minecraft. Later Jof found she'd lost lots of weight at Chunky Chappies Anonymous while we watched Dambusters: I liked the flak and the fact they used the word Nigger 20 times during the movie, because it was the name of Guy Gibson's dog.

Sunday, 23 October 2016

The Great South Fail 2016

tenth hole southsea cricket clubWhat a nice Sunday morning with the sunlight and the relaxed attitude to the day. I also learned that some parts of life are like a Rubik's Cube, the longer you play with it, the harder it gets, er. Then we said goodbye to Bud. Jof and I watched the beginning of the Great South Run on the TV and then braved the cooling breeze from Denmark on our bikes.
The whole world was there again and we went to the Tenth Hole (our go-to eatery for cakes and mini-golf) and I had a cake and watched the Elite Women and the Keen Men go past, and then the early orange people.
Bud was one of them and we slipped through the cricket club passageway to our vantage point by Lumps Fort Rose Garden and saw him again after the big Henderson-Eastney loop. Also spotted that day were some Batmen, a guy pushing a double buggy, Oliver the Scout, 2 chaps in pants, a rhino and some Mutant Hero Ninja Turtles.
lumps fort rose garden southseaAnd I dutifully stood on the promenade and shouted helpful things (in my mind) to the increasingly pained runners but even with coats, the Scandiweegian winds eroded our ability to stay, lucky all those runners were doing something to keep warm.
We all met at home for lunch and watched the Great South Run programme on double-speed to see if he was in it (he wasn't, and neither was I) and we had the Elucidation of the Results Ceremony in which we found he got the same score as last year (1 hour 12) whilst also being 26 seconds slower. I guess the time has come when age-defying antics fail at last. But we both have our tickets for next year, hooray for self-torture! Speaking of torture, I had to do maths homework and he had to drink Belgian Monastery beer, made I suppose by original Belgian Monkeys.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

The Junior Great South Run 2016

Up first even though nobody was hung over. Because voice-google always interrupts ("I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that") when Bud comes in and asks me what I want for breakfast, I had the surreal experience of asking my tablet "OK, Google, how do I turn off OK Google?"
great south run southsea portsmouthThis time last year I did the Junior Great South Run and it was tough but straight away I insisted on buying a ticket for this year, and I was looking forward to it. But first came acting and we met in the basement of the Royal Maritime Club again because the theatre was hosting a wedding. We jumped and danced and acted and I am now playing the biggest part of the Ropery play but with some redactions to make it more manageable.
10 minutes before the end I was extracted by Bud and Jof did the getaway driving which is why we went backwards into a traffic jam. But we got to the seafront and I changed in the car and the run # card was attached to my shirt and I made my way to the start line-up where the same bloke as last year shouted at us for 10 minutes about not starting too quickly and balancing our plasma electrolytes and stuff, so I did that. Once the 16 year-olds had gone, my wave departed and I ran round dutifully in the splendid autumnal sunshine, noting the drum band by the Sea Life Centre and the huge distances I was supposed to run.
Finally, I was in the home straight and a hairy man with a microphone picked me out for a high-5 and I finished and got my goodie-bag with medal and shirt (blanket-blank chequepen and book inexplicably missing this year). And I was 21 seconds quicker than last year!
eye and hexagon mural goldsmith avenue portsmouth
This was the end of my exertions for the day and Jof drove me home for lunch and Minecraft. Bud did shopping and got fireworks and a keg of 'Speckled Hen' for some kind of party soon. This rather large mural has recently appeared in the Little Tesco car park near me and is by my old friend MyDogSighs: he provides much of the street art in our town. It is a spankingly good improvement on the blank wall it was before. Film night was 'F/X: Murder by Illusion' (1986) because if you're going to be a film star, you need to know about special effects and how they worked before the entire film was made on a computer. With any movie, I have the ability to watch 80% of it and then, when the main character comes on screen, ask "who's that?"

Friday, 21 October 2016

Freaky Friday

waterslide into paddling pool funny failTo celebrate the end of another section of our little lives, the teachers let us come to school in non-uniform, as long as we contributed £1 to school funds, for they are considerate like that.
Knowing that I have a Great Little Mini South Run tomorrow, I have chosen to prepare by running circuits of the playground, during games of Tag with Okely Dokely. I am 'Taunter' who goads the mark into chasing him and tiring him out. Then it was another boring roundelay of maths tests (63/64), spelling tests (10/10) and so forth, whatever.
But I took Sham home again and showed off my Pokéminecraft world. Obviously only 1 person can sit at the PC keyboard at any one time and I think you know who it was, for the duration. I let him choose which Pokémon to use, what more does he want? Anyway, we got a Level 36 Poligrip and a Level 28 Trowza but my Nematoad was killed by an EnderWombat, what can you do. I have homework from school AND from Scouts, and we're all off next week! Lucky we won all that money (£7.20) on the Tuesday Euromillions.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

The Gingerbread Man of Destiny

text conversation between american moronsAgain, a day of normality, nobody tripped the fire alarm, no seagulls entered the assembly hall to steal food, no jehovah's witnesses took the stand.
But I swapped my picture in art to an easier one, and we did percentages in Extra-Maths with the Headmaster so now I understand the science behind my phenomenal successes on the craps tables.
At home I'd barely eaten my prawns when it was time to go right back to school. I determined 7 reasons why it was different, including being at the wrong time, with the wrong person in the wrong clothing, etc.
meon junior school year 6 classroomOnce I'd shown him my empty classroom again, we met my teacher for the teacher-parent ganging-up-on-the-kid meeting, and I had to be there for this one. She was armed with an image of an empty gingerbread man and filled it in with positives, overall impressions and negatives to be worked on.
I am apparently, her superstar. Furthermore, yerronner, I am a high flier in maths but could possibly benefit from babbling less with Okely Dokely. I always blame him for being the talker but it takes 2 to babble.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

The Rainbow (sing it)

curly yellow slide and yellow ladderchinese engrish ripoff handbag legend failSchool was normal. Most stuff was normal. Because of Robotics I didn't have to do French (hooray) and because of PE, 2 possibly disruptive members of our Ecology team weren't there so we redid the whole deforestation project without them and scored top marks, hooray. In maths they asked what 3 prime numbers multiply together to make 1001 and I was the only one to get it right, hooray. 3 Hoorays in a row make me a hipster, surely.
crete greece t shirt for kidsIt was Wednesday so I duly parked it and there were a few co-conspirators but once Bud came back from buying broomsticks for the Scouts it was drizzling and this had attracted a rainbow. I used to sing a rainbow but I reckon it's only the 3rd one I've ever seen. They don't come out very well unless you use a long exposure but the last time I tried that in the park there was trouble.
Anyway, I moaned that getting older was bogus because I couldn't go trickle treating, and then we had a discussion about whether Gyarados (atrocious dragon-shaped Pokémon that evolves from a Magikarp - but you knew that) should be pronounced Guy-ara-dos rather than Garridose.