Loft and found

Was rudely woken at 1015 by some more Jehovah's witnesses, who got the usual abuse. Met 3 schoolfriends on the bottlebank tour and got another car out of the 20p bucket in the charity shop. I was busy driving it around the model railway track in tunnel park when I fell off it: the ground was only 18 inches away but I landed sideways and I spent half an hour wondering whether I'd broken my arm again. I really didn't want to go to the clinic and get plastered again right before the dreaded Horizones (where I broke my arm last year) birthday party next week so I got better.

It's football day again so we had to leave the car miles away because the footballers had taken up all the parking spaces. Luckily there was a space right outside where BensDad had told us about the Xmas tree so we shoved it in the boot and walked home. We couldn't remember the exact house number and there was a tree at #94 and #84. Perhaps we'll take both just to make sure. Then we had yet another loft clearout. Many spare pillows and baby items were consigned to the output queue and some burnables went up until the next bonfire. Here I am with the cable drum, numerous tubes and a boy scout, the beginnings of my own Hellfire club. Not all the baby stuff went, one blanket thing knitted by Nanna was put up for assessment, but then Jof started making those mummy noises and you just know she isn't ready to move on.

In the evening I challenged Bud to my new boardgame, based on games I have met so far. It's a little rough'n'ready and is only the first iteration. He won but it's just down to the roll of the die. Due to the way I've drawn it, there are difficulties (am I on this square or that, is it a yellow or orange square) so we undertook to redraw it in new and interesting colours and shapes. We'd got 30% through it when Jof finally stopped hoovering angrily and challenged us to monopoly. We got an hour into it before we realised we hadn't eaten so they argued with various curry takeaways (what do you mean, an hour's wait for food, I thought there was a recession on) then she bought one from Tesco. By the time it got to bath fizzer night, it was too late to start so I had a quick shower. This is when problems started.

Quality time: the rant

At drying time, he's kneeling down holding the towel like a toreador, hoping to envelop and dry me. I roar a lot, charge him repeatedly like a bullish (yet bare) conquistador and try to knock him over. This is pretty well the same as every other night of the week but after a bottle of red I've got a decent chance of flooring him. Soon I was laughing so much I got hiccups. This makes him incapable with mirth which only makes me worse (and more aggressive) and him more vulnerable. Within no time, we were both gurgling and hiccuping and dribbling while I pounded him against the cupboard. This is when Jof came in and berated us for being so happy. Women the world over will complain about lack of quality time spent with the kids but to us - it's different. If one of us isn't busy trying not to poo himself while the other is busy trying not to vomit because we're laughing so much - then it's time not worth having.

I'm a regular jack in the box / in my birthday suit and hippy locks